Why Are People With Dementia So Difficult?

Well, why ARE they so difficult, those people with dementia we care for? Our Mom, Grandma, that resident in room 13? After all, we mean well, don’t we? We’re the good guys, ones taking care of them. So, why aren’t they more helpful, less cranky?

There, there, sit down and take a nice deep slow breath. Very good, now take nine more. Here’s the thing. Think of it like this. Having dementia is like talking English in Italy.

Dementia is a different language which is hard for caregivers to learn well. Because we often think that, at any minute, this person will return to normal again. They can’t. They would if they could.

Where do we caregivers go wrong? Okay, let’s look at that.

Where Do Dementia Caregivers Go Wrong?

1. They refuse to learn normal dementia behaviors;
2. They don’t empathize;
3. They resist the changes of dementia;
4. They argue;
5. They give orders;
6. They don’t show love;
7. They don’t take responsibility for their own stress;
8. They resist understanding;
9. They don’t create safety;
10.They don’t show love.

The normal behaviors of dementia include: severe short term memory problems, difficulty following discussions, problems following logical arguments, being emotionally needy, forgetting how routine things were done, losing skills, becoming less able to do hygiene, bathroom, shower and cleanliness routines.

These are all normal. You’d be amazed how many caregivers try to make people relearn how to do them properly. This creates frustration and anger in the caregiver and fear and frustration in the person with dementia.

Overwhelmed caregivers, whether direct care staff or family members, can easily turn into blamers. They blame the person with dementia for what they can no longer do.

I think this bitter stubbornness is just a perversion of the understandable longing to have back the person who used to be. But, it creates a climate of fear and anger. It also makes the caregiver’s work twice as hard. It is much easier, in the end, to give in and step up beside the person with dementia. To say in your actions, “I’m here with you.”

It’s easier to equip the house the way it needs to be. Lots of hygiene equipment in the bathroom — undies, vinyl gloves, wipes, garbage bags, masks. Support bars on the wall.

It’s easier to learn how to communicate and how to get what you need as a caregiver, how to persuade your person instead of creating resistance, how to shut up nagging and sit down beside them and put your arm around them.

If you’re resisting all that, look deeply into what’s going on with you. Hey, let me give you a clue here — anger, sorrow, fear, grief.

Care for yourself first. Then become the caregiver you need to be. When you do that, I promise you that everything will start to change. You’ll be able to get to know your person as this person-with-dementia. Which often has its own peculiar charms.

For sure, you’ll both laugh more. You’ll be on the same side. And you, the caregiver, will find this is a deep soul and spirit journey of the heart as no other. Plus, everything you learn and every strength you gain will never be wasted in the rest of your life.

Article By:  Frena Gray-Davidson, Alzheimer’s caregiver and author of five caregiving books, including her latest book “Alzheimer’s 911: Hope, Help and Healing for Caregivers”, available at http://www.amazon.com. Frena teaches care families and professionals to decode the language of dementia and achieve successful behavior interventions. Go to her website at http://www.speakingdementia.com/. Sign up for her free monthly online newsletter for all involved in dementia care by emailing her at frenagd@gmail.com