Alzheimer Granny Tells Lies

Remember that guy in the movie who woke up with no memory. He spent the rest of the whole movie trying to fill the gaps back in. That’s how important our story is to us.

We actually are story, we human beings. We developed speech because that was how important story is to us. Our story, especially. We need our story.

It shapes our feelings, our lifestyle, our daily habits and it feed our heart, our soul and — yes — it gives us something to write in our diary.

More importantly, it surrounds us with a known structure. the shape of our life. Our habits, our skills, what we like, who we like — it’s all there in what we remember. It keeps us centered, sane, secure. We know who we are and part of that, a big part, is knowing what we did.

Can you imagine how it is to NOT know what you did yesterday. To not be able to pull that information out of yourself. Not know who you saw, not know who it is you see now. To not know the present address you live nor the year you live in.

That loss is painful and frightening for most people. And it leaves a huge space filled with nothing where once the story filled it. THAT is why people with dementia fill the unknown space of memory with likelihood. They don’t often totally make up unlikely fantasies. They tend to fill the space with stories that are really very likely.

Having lunch with a friend yesterday [didn't happen], going shopping in town [didn't happen], took the dog for a walk [no dog for nine years now] — those are the kind of things people invent. They tend to refurnish the empty rooms of memory with what used to be usual. It doesn’t feel like lying. And it isn’t lying, even though it’s not true. In dementia, that is space filling, it has no lying intention at all.

So when your mother tells your sister on the other side of the United States from you two that, yes, she is doing just fine [not exactly true], and cooks the dinner every night [not at all true] and that she doesn’t need any help at all [if only that were true, you think to yourself], she isn’t really lying. She’s doing some filling in space, adding a spoonful of denial and mixing it all up with a darn good dose of dementia.

You can be outraged by it, but can you really spare that amount of energy? I know you want your sister to really, REALLY, get it about just how much care Mom needs.

So here’s my care plan for you. Firstly, find a certain gentle fondness and even admiration for a woman who has so much determination to look independent and self-managing.

Then secondly, invite your dear sister over to stay for a week and take your own vacation at the same time, as soon as you’ve filled her in on daily routine. Give her emergency numbers but not your cell phone number. I guarantee you’ll never have that trouble with her any more. She’ll never forget how much your Mom needs.

And that’s really what you want, isn’t it? Meanwhile, let your Mom wrap herself round with a sense of safety. A shawl of story.

Article by: Frena Gray-Davidson