What NOT to Say at an Alzheimer’s Funeral
What NOT to Say at an Alzheimer’s Funeral
Your friend’s Mom died after some years of living with Alzheimer’s. You know it’s been hard for your friend. So when you go to the funeral, you want to console her.
Therefore, you say one of 5 rudest, most insensitive things people say at funerals to the bereaved.
1. “She’s in a better place now.”
A statement made by people who actually have no idea at all whether that could possibly be true and usually didn’t even know the person well enough to be able to make such a comment.
Your theology at someone else’s funeral is not wanted nor appropriate, unless you are actually the minister.
This is what you say: “I’m so sorry.”
2. “It’s a blessing her suffering is over.”
Is it also a blessing that your friend is now bereaved and alone? Is that a divine plan or just the result of stuff happening.
This is what you say: “I’m so sorry.”
3. “Be brave. She would have wanted that.”
How very presumptuous of you and who the heck are you to give instructions like that so a newly-bereaved person?
This is what you say: “I’m so sorry.”
4. “God wanted her home with Him.”
This is the kind of theology which, besides being presumptuous, also portrays God as something between Bad Santa and the kind of loving father who hands out slices of poisoned cake to the kids.
Keep your bizarre theories of the divine to yourself and just say, “I’m so sorry.”
5. “It was all part of Gods’ plan.”
Oh yes, I love to think of God as being the Divine SWAT team leader, don’t you? Looking for people to snuff out violently and suddenly. Let’s get a grip here, shall we?
Life lesson number one: stuff happens and sometimes it happens to you or people you care about. Everyone dies. Everyone. We’re built that way. God doesn’t even have to plan 1,000 ways to kill you and yours because everyone dies. It’s right there in our basic God-given or biologically-directed DNA.
So just bite your tongue on the life theory and say, “I’m so sorry.”
Do you know why people babble on with all these meant-to-help but appallingly insensitive comments? It’s because they really ARE sorry. They really DO wish they could make things better. That’s why they come out with dreadful cliches guaranteed to make you think these are the most insensitive people on the face of Planet Earth.
They really do want to take your pain away. They want to help you, to make you feel better, so that they could feel better.
The thing is: most grownups know that bad things happen and that everyone dies. And everyone dies of something. And if you live long enough to even have Alzheimer’s, then you are probably a lot nearer the end of your life anyway. So near the end that at least 90 percent of everyone with Alzheimer’s will die of the usual suspects in elder life — heart disease, cancer, liver problems, lung problems and so on.
No one whose family member has died expects you to take away their sorrow. That is their journey to follow and they will, because sensible people know that we all die.
What they would really like, what would REALLY comfort them, is for you stand right there with them and say “I’m so sorry.” That way, you share the burden with them.
That’s all it takes to bring real comfort in the midst of sorrow and loss.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Frena_Gray-Davidson
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June 25th, 2010 at 2:56 pmOUCH! I usually don’t make negative comments but reading this article made my stomach turn. I have a Mother who is in her end stages of Alzheimer’s and could pass anytime. I thought this article was going to be a humorous due to its title and maybe that’s what through me, by the serious righteous tone of knowing what exactly everyone wants to hear at a funeral.
First, I don’t think there is a “perfect” comment to be made by anyone at a funeral. Each person is coming from a different place with a different history and relationship with the person who passed and the one’s left behind.
Second, I would like to point out that a funeral in my personal opinion is for everyone who comes, not just the family. It’s a time to grieve and reminisce…and show your respect. People do that in different fashions. In my eyes, to feel a funeral is for only the family is thinking small and very egotistical.
Third, my life and I as a person have been far from perfect and I imagine this writer is it the same as I if she wants to admit it or not. To judge others for trying to be respectful and caring in their own way I find brash and “Holy then thou.” I find it comical coming from someone who appears to be offended with anyone believing in a higher power, but maybe that’s because she thinks she is a higher power in her own right.
Fourth, going to a funeral where everyone walks around like bobble heads saying “I’m Sorry” “I’m Sorry” seems a bit sad in and of its self. At least people with the above comments are trying their best in their own way to bring peace to a difficult situation.
My you find peace in your life as the passing of a loved one touches you, and oh “I’m Sorry for your loss.”
June 28th, 2010 at 10:20 pmnice post. thanks.
July 3rd, 2010 at 11:12 pm