Caregiver Siblings at War (Again!)

After Dad died was when all you kids found out that actually Mom had Alzheimer’s. He’d never let you see how bad she really was. Why knows why? Mistaken sense of loyalty, maybe. In denial, perhaps.

Of course, you all hoped maybe she’d get better after the shock of his death wore off. But, no. Then that lengthy assessment visit to the Alzheimer’s Center and now it’s official.

You all decided that it made most sense for you to move into the house with Mom and be her caregiver. That seemed easy. Your brother the accountant took over her money. Your other brother went to Alaska and hasn’t been back for 18 months. Your sister who lives far away in Minnesota – well, she’s the one who’s always burning up the phoneline.

She phones you. She phones your accountant brother. She phoned your Mom’s doctor a couple of times. Meanwhile, you really do have a 24-hour job at no pay.

Time for a family conference? Yes, indeed. Of course, since you gave up your former life, don’t have a paid job and do have Mom, you’re the one who needs to call the conference. Luckily these days, you don’t even have to listen to them making excuses for not being able to fly to Mom’s home. Nope. You can book one of those on-line conference deals and, bam, you’ll be in conference together.

But here’s what you need to do first. You see, I’m afraid you’ve already shown that you’re too weak-willed to challenge them. You didn’t ask for the money, you didn’t outline the time off you’d need, you didn’t set out the necessary lines of care and power settings in the family.

Now you’re exhausted would be a good time. And, as someone who’s had to mediate family councils and had to negotiate my own salary more than once, let me help you here.

You don’t know right now that your services are worth at least $3,000 in the market, with at least two days off a week in whatever form you want them. Just because you’re your mother’s daughter doesn’t change that. After all, are the others giving up their lives to be here and do this?

No. You’re going to have to grow a spine. Maybe your family always dismissed you a bit before and you’re letting this go on now. You’re the hero here, okay? So get a grip and get going. Here are the things you might want on your list.

Your Want List:

1. You want a salary;

2. You want time off;

3. You want a vacation;                                                                                                                                                                                                4. You want a float for daily expenses, so work out shopping, travel, treats and other helping Mom expenses at a monthly rate;

5. You want it clear that you are the on-the-spot gal and don’t want long-distance criticism or interference– I’m assuming here that you’re doing a good job, okay?

6. Neither you nor your mother’s doctor want outside interference from someone not on the spot;

In other words, my dear fellow caregiver, you want respect. And you earn it and, to keep that respect, you must continue to be worthy of it.

It is rare for families to take care of these issues without someone speaking up. That would be you.

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